KiSS-THe-SKy {Life appreciation essay}

Here I am,
lying in the operating room,
waiting for the lights to switch on.
The doctors,
nurses,
dressed in white,
holding needles,
scissors,
knives;
parents,
at the other side of the room,
waiting,
crying,
praying;
and him?
I’m not sure what he is doing, though.
But after I close my eyes,
I might never have to think about him again.

It was last fall, after my facial surgery, I went back to college. I wasn’t ashamed about my physical feature. If it’s not because my parents forced me, I would never accept receiving any change. But I was surprise how fast I finally got friends just by rearranging my face feature. Some said that’s because my bulldog-like face scared people. I agreed. It is hard to stop judging people by their appearance. There were cute guys in my campus which physical feature that made me want to talk with them. But once I knew them, I didn’t want to talk with them again. Some were too self-confident, arrogant, narcissistic, which irritated and annoyed me. But some are pretty nice – like the guy who, during the first semester, hit my head with a baseball, who dropped water on my shirt, who humiliated me during a speech. That guy – we actually got to know each other and came close, close enough to become a couple. But it didn’t go as I expected. When the day of his confession came, I wasn’t sure if his feelings were true. What if he liked me because I changed my look?

“I like you for a long time, since before summer, winter – since our second meeting, I guess.”

He said it with so much seriousness; I couldn’t prevent believing him. So, I accepted, and we began to be treated as an official couple in the campus. Our relationship was simple and sweet. It was probably the happiest memories in my lifetime. What went wrong was when another girl came in and missed all up. She somehow managed to accuse me that I wasn’t really in love with him, spreading rumor about me and another person. At this point, the relationship was too fragile. So, we broke up. It was the best choice for both of us. Maybe it would even be better if we had ended like this.

Once he found out that the rumors were all lies, he came back to me and apologized. He didn’t change at all – still serious, little shy, and melancholic. But the time when we were separated was long enough for me to realize one truth. The girl was right about one thing: I wasn’t really in love with him, because during the time we were separated, I hadn’t experience the same heartbreaking feeling that he had. When he confessed to me, I accept his love because I was afraid of losing him. He was not only a good friend, but also the first person outside of my family who cared about me. Or perhaps, I was just too lonely. Now, I didn’t want to hurt him more, so I was ready to let him go.

At this point, I thought it was farewell. Nonetheless, he said, “Don’t worry; I won’t let you lose me again. Even if you can never fall in love with me, I can be your friend forever.”

At that moment, I thought he was an idiot and I cursed my heart for being so cold. I was too selfish, but he is still so kind. After that day, I couldn’t allow myself to fall for anyone else. And he wouldn’t love anyone else than me.

I thought perhaps, just perhaps, if we kept protecting each other, we may stay like this for a lifetime.

And that was the most overwhelming moment in my life.

After college graduation, we went to the same university and rented an apartment near the campus. After one month living together, I thought I may have finally fall for him. I was about to tell him until he brought a girl in the apartment. And there was another boy, and much more complications. I did feel envy, jealousy, pain, melancholy, all of them, and heartburns. So, I went to the hospital, and the doctor told me that I had heart disease.

It was too late to say everything. I moved out and cancelled my classes. I lied to him that I was transferred to a university in America. But no matter how hard I planned, he still found out the truth, and found me on the hospital bed. There are too much to say, too much question left with no answers, too much regret, and no second chance. But I know one truth: he has never changed.

In the operating room,
light,
heat,
pressure,
his face behind the window
seems to blur away.
Sometimes
I thought,
if I refused taking the surgery,
it might be better
for all of us.

--
words: 820
time: 3 hours

That is so sad! Did you survive?

Of course.

That is soooooooooooo sad! Did you live a happy ending?

I don't know the ending yet. ^^lll