Calculus {Academic fiction}

Awk-Cal II

It’s your second attempt at an essay-endless class. Last semester, you were already overwhelmed with Humanity; writing language is hard, that’s why you’re in science – and you can’t survive in nature without numbers. Yet, you were scheduled to choose your schedule on the last day; even miracle can’t give you the chance to not assign Philosophy as a complementary class.

Well, adapt! –“that is the mark of intelligence and brilliance [1]”, like how your cal teacher taught you on MSN yesterday at pi/2 PM. Nay, Philosophy is a drag – it’s the climax of mental trauma, it’s the crisis of scientific civilization – it’s the pain in mathematician’s ass! Even the worst integration problems are easier to cope with than the lectures of your Philosophy teacher. And words are the worst of the worst. Why so anti-commutative, anti-associative, and anti-distributive? Around if too much played, messier will they be, too.

How many times you try to not complain. Because accommodation must be proceed before the start of your midterm – the fatal midterm that radiates fractals of evil negativity. Your personal statistics show evidences that you will not success in word problems. An exam sheet that contains no numbers is just mortal! You read the single rectangular exam sheet which seems like the sigma of all historical human and zoological disasters and tragedies. If only you can substitute u = spontaneous health disintegration in your exam questions.

Or can you, and dare you to try. Hard problems often need diversion. Simplify first and then substitute u; continue with a differentiation and finally integrate. But don’t get too off the track! Maybe you’re just accelerating in centripetal motion; you’re not moving anywhere, just losing your time, burning you’re calories for nothing. Don’t lose too much fat! Stay equipped, you never know how many joules you need to do work. But don’t stop! You can’t stand by your metabolic ignition when you’re already in the process of high lever caloric burning. If you stop working, you’ll waste your energy by generating heat. The product of high body temperature won’t yield any wanted answer. But neither the result of you works will, because you’re too genetically weak against word frictions.

Don’t blame your innocent genes. For two thousand years, your ancestors were all writers and philosophers – until the generation of your father, the first aberrant rebels who’ve decided to study in science. Well, you should possess your grandfather’s qualities; he won the noble prize of poetry. It’s a shame that you don’t understand a single line in his poems. Think about how much you’ve missed because you can’t understand your ascendants’ works, because your father can’t even understand himself. Natural random selection must have decided to create an intellectual impediment on your family trends; an accident must have happened when your grandfather passed his genes to his offspring. Why such a significant percent error? All his sons got a doctoral degree in mathematics, and daughters came back last year from a trip to Mars.

And you, you wish that you were isolated in a supercomputer lab for the closed interval between birth to infinity. Think about how disgraceful it must be if your ancestors were watching you doing your Philosophy midterm. Even on fitness class, you’ve never instantaneously sweated like this. Other students have already begun verifying their answers, and you are still stuck by the friction at the first question. Well, you can consider that you have the equivalent average velocity than your classmates, but you do have a lot of distance to catch up. Actually, you don’t need to travel the whole race. The mean value theorem guarantees that there exists a point somewhere between the beginning and the end such that the solution of the whole problem is equal to the image at that point. Therefore, the entire bloody exam can be compressed to one paroxysm – just like all natural catastrophes can be resumed as one cause: the failure of God’s intelligent design. If this is true – and you know that the theorem must be true – what matters now is to find the ultimate question that can gives you the solution to all problems.

Time has come to reveal the light. Lucky for you, you know calculus; you don’t need to suffer the entire exam like other kids. One simple trivial question and that’s it. Your ancestors will be proud, won’t understand anything you’ll write, though. But how better can reality be? So substitute, differentiate and integrate, do it by parts or partial fractions if necessary, change all words into abstract numbers and variables; you still have two and a half minutes left.

---

[1] This quote comes really from my math teacher. He said it during his class (not on MSN, at 12 PM, though.)

Time: 1 day
Words: ~790

XD Never thought anyone would be able to write something like Awk-Cal I again.
Nice!
Let me link this to your previous episode.

The Mean Value Theorem is only hold if the entire exam is continuous between the beginning and the end, which might not be the case. Therefore, the main character must have failed his philosophy exam.

Zero wrote:The Mean Value Theorem is only hold if the entire exam is continuous between the beginning and the end, which might not be the case. Therefore, the main character must have failed his philosophy exam.

Lol If that's the case, he'll definitely fail.
I thought protagonist just gave us a tip to do our midterms XD
But how can you tell if the exam is continuous or not? (Just want to know when the Mean Value Theorem is applicable heheh)

Well, we can assume that an exam is continuous if the question are answered in a continuous way, i.e.: no jumping in questions. Yet, public statistics show that student often jump question and answer in a disordered way. Therefore, for an exam to be continuous, the exam must only have one question.

That's not a little constant? If there is only one question in a exam, then what's the point of applying the Mean Value Theorem to find the mean question that can answer all question?

I say it's a paradox!